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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23808601">lighthouse in a storm</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamremy/pseuds/remy'>remy (iamremy)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angel Vessel Nick (Supernatural), Castiel Critical, Dean is not happy with how Sam's trauma is ignored, Gen, Mary Winchester critical, Protective Dean Winchester, Season/Series 14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:21:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23808601</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamremy/pseuds/remy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean finds out Sam’s the one who’s had to deal with Nick for months on end despite all his trauma relating to him.</p>
<p>He’s not pleased.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dean Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>147</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>lighthouse in a storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this has been bothering me since season 14 aired, but it's only now that i finally wrote this. mary and cas straight up refusing to look at nick and making him sam's responsibility, i cannot believe the AUDACITY-</p>
<p>anyway, title is from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow3m_aZngvU">carried me with you</a> by brandi carlile - thanks to poughkeepsies/ohboyohno for helping me out with it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, where’ve you been?” Dean asks when Sam finally enters the mancave. “Been waitin’ a while, dude.” He nods towards the movie paused on the TV, still on the logos. </p>
<p>“Sorry,” Sam mutters with a grimace as he takes the recliner next to Dean’s. “Had to go check in on Nick." </p>
<p>Dean stiffens immediately. "And there was no one else to do it?” He doesn’t ask how Nick’s doing. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s made his feelings clear on Nick staying here - but he also knows Sam’s desperate for some good to come out of this, and so for Sam’s sake he’s keeping his mouth shut. That does not mean he has to actively care about Nick. </p>
<p>“Well, no,” Sam says after a second. “Um, I’ve been doing it since he got here, and, uh-" </p>
<p>"What about Mom?” interrupts Dean. “Or Cas? They’re not checking in on him?" </p>
<p>Sam shakes his head. "Uh, no,” he says. “Mom said she can’t stand to look at him, and uh, I guess Cas too? We didn’t really, um, talk about it. Uh, I was the first person to go check on him after he got here, and I guess after that it just kinda became my job." </p>
<p>"Your job?” Dean repeats, anger curling hot in his belly. “Your <em>job</em>?" </p>
<p>"Dude, it’s fine,” Sam says hurriedly, detecting the change in Dean’s tone. “It’s, it’s okay, really. I’m, you know, I’m managing. It’s not that bad-" </p>
<p>"He was Lucifer’s vessel,” Dean reminds Sam flatly. He doesn’t miss how Sam flinches at Lucifer’s name. “See? Sam, come on. Don’t tell me you can bear to look at him and not see the friggin’ <em>Devil</em>. Don’t tell me this is easy for you to do." </p>
<p>"Of course it’s not,” Sam answers after a few seconds, looking away from Dean. “There’s nothing easy about this, Dean. But - I’ve got to." </p>
<p>”<em>Why</em>?“ demands Dean. He doesn’t understand this, the way Sam’s so uncaring of his own self, his own needs and wants. "Why you?" </p>
<p>"Because someone has to,” Sam says, voice heavy. “And since Mom and Cas can’t, I guess that’s me." </p>
<p>"But why can’t they? I don’t get it,” Dean argues. </p>
<p>“Dude, can we just let it go?” Sam asks instead of replying. “Please? Can we just watch the movie, and-" </p>
<p>"No,” Dean cuts in, getting to his feet. </p>
<p>“Where are you going?” Sam asks, standing as well. </p>
<p>“Come on,” Dean tells him instead of answering. He puts down the TV remote, sets aside the bowl of popcorn, and heads for the door. “Sammy, come on." </p>
<p>"Dude, what are you doing?” Sam asks, following Dean down the hallway. </p>
<p>“Finding Mom and Cas,” Dean answers shortly, glancing sideways to make sure Sam’s keeping up. “They got some stuff to answer for." </p>
<p>"Dean,” Sam says. “Dean, come <em>on</em>." </p>
<p>"What?” Dean asks, taking a turn. “Don’t say let it go,” he adds quickly, catching Sam out before he can do just that. </p>
<p>“It’s fine, Dean,” Sam says, sighing. “Really-" </p>
<p>"Sam, it is <em>not </em>fine,” Dean begins, fully intending to talk some sense into his stupidly self-sacrificing brother right there on the spot. He stops when he hears his mother’s voice though, coming from the war room, and turns in that direction. “Come on, Sam." </p>
<p>They find her chatting with one of the refugees from the Apocalypse World, the two of them sharing sandwiches off a platter. Cas is also sitting nearby, staring intently at a translation of the Bible, and he looks up when he sees the brothers enter. "Sam, Dean,” he greets. </p>
<p>“You,” is Dean’s answer, well-aware of how harsh it comes out. “And Mom. I need a word." </p>
<p>"Right now?” Mary asks, blinking.</p>
<p>Dean nods. "Yes. The kitchen free?“ </p>
<p>"Yes,” replies Cas, getting up and following after Dean, who hasn’t stopped walking even for a moment. “Dean, what’s going on?”</p>
<p>“I was kinda in the middle of something,” Mary says mildly, joining them in the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Don’t care,” Dean says shortly, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms. Sam sighs and stands next to him, head bowed like he thinks there’s no reason to do any of this.</p>
<p>“What’s going on?” Mary asks, sounding surprised at Dean’s tone as she takes a seat at the kitchen table. Castiel slides in across from her, looking just as astonished.</p>
<p>“So Sam just told me about Nick,” Dean begins, figuring it’s best to jump right into it. </p>
<p>“Well, you knew he was staying here,” Mary points out. “We told you his vessel survived, and-”</p>
<p>“Yes, I knew,” Dean cuts in. “What I don’t get is why Sam’s the one to always check in on him.”</p>
<p>“I can’t do it, Dean,” Mary says after a second, glancing from Sam, who doesn’t look up, back to Dean. “His face, I just <em>can’t</em>. It gives me the creeps. I spent all that time with him in Apocalypse World, and-” She breaks off, grimacing.</p>
<p>“Mom, it’s okay,” Sam says at once. “You don’t have to explain-”</p>
<p>“Sam,” says Dean, tone quiet and filled with warning, and Sam stops talking, glaring at Dean.</p>
<p>“What about you, Cas?”</p>
<p>“It is… difficult for me,” the angel admits after a few thoughtful moments. “I was possessed by him for months. Every time I see his face I am reminded of that.”</p>
<p>“You <em>let </em>him possess you,” Dean corrects.</p>
<p>“Dean!” Now Sam sounds shocked.</p>
<p>“What, it’s true!” Dean points out, turning to look at Sam’s baleful glare. “Man, I know it can’t have been fun but you don’t get to be precious about this, all right? You said yes to him. And didn’t you tell us he had you trapped in your own head, watching television?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Cas says after a pause.</p>
<p>Dean rolls his eyes.</p>
<p>“Dean, don’t do that,” Sam chides. “Cas, I’m sorry, I know what it’s like and Dean doesn’t mean-”</p>
<p>“Exactly!” Dean bursts out, so sudden it makes all of them jump. “Sorry,” he adds to Sam, who’d flinched about a foot into the air. He reaches out to pat his elbow a couple times before crossing his arms again and continuing. “Sam had to let him in to stop the Apocalypse that your lot started,” he reminds Cas. “And he spent who knows how long down in the Cage with him. And that’s not even counting all the crap Lucifer put him through just before he died! How could any of you not consider that?”</p>
<p>“Dean.” Mary looks aghast. “It’s not that we didn’t consider it, <em>of course </em>it’s not like that! But it was Sam’s idea to bring him back here, and Sam volunteered to go check on him-”</p>
<p>“It’s not technically volunteering when everyone else refuses,” Dean points out. “Mom, you weren’t even stuck with him that long. I know he gives you the creeps, but he was possessed by Satan! He gives <em>everyone</em> the creeps! That’s his whole thing!”</p>
<p>“Dean, God, I’m fine,” Sam tries again.</p>
<p>“No, Sam, you’re not,” Dean tells him, voice softer as he turns towards Sam. “You didn’t see how you looked, when you came back after seeing him. Man, you don’t have to do this. I know you want to give him a chance,” he adds the second Sam opens his mouth to argue. “And that’s… whatever. But you do not personally have to be the one to go in and see how he’s doing. This is not your cross to bear, man.”</p>
<p>“Who else is going to do it?” Sam argues, and God, how long is it going to take to get him to understand? But he’s got those wide eyes, like he genuinely doesn’t understand the big deal in pushing down his trauma and going about like he’s all right, and he’s looking at Dean like <em>that</em>, and-</p>
<p>“These two, for starters,” Dean says.</p>
<p>“Who, us?” Mary asks, looking surprised. “Dean, I can’t do it, I really can’t-”</p>
<p>“Yes, you can,” Dean tells her. “Five minutes, in and out, Mom. And you don’t have the specific history of trauma that Sam does. You’ll be fine. You too, Cas,” he adds.</p>
<p>To his credit, Cas actually looks ashamed of himself. “Yes, Dean,” he murmurs, and then gets to his feet. “I’m sorry, Sam,” he says as he nears him, reaching out to lay a hand on his arm. “I was not aware it was affecting you so.”</p>
<p>“Well, it wasn’t fun,” Sam mutters, and then smiles at Cas. “Thanks, Cas.”</p>
<p>Cas nods at him before going to sit back down.</p>
<p>Mary, it seems, is determined to argue. “Dean, you know Sam’s not a child, right?” she asks. “He’s strong, he doesn’t need you to baby him-”</p>
<p>“He’s standing right here,” Dean reminds her. “And I know he’s strong, Mom. Doesn’t mean I’m not gonna look out for him.”</p>
<p>“You don’t think you’re being overbearing?” she questions.</p>
<p>“No,” Dean says. “Look at it this way. If the YED’s vessel was in a room, would you go in there? No, right?” he adds at the look on her face. “Then what the hell would make you think it’s a good idea to let Sam in there?”</p>
<p>It seems that the analogy is finally what gets through to Mary; she hangs her head, looking away from her sons. “I didn’t know it was like that, Sam,” she murmurs.</p>
<p>“It kinda is,” Sam says, almost reluctantly.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Mary says. “Really, I am.”</p>
<p>“Mom, it’s okay,” Sam says immediately, and when Dean turns he sees a small, reassuring smile on Sam’s face. Damn kid with the biggest heart he’s ever known, so damn quick to forgive when he has every right to be upset. Dean has no idea how he’s lived without him for months.</p>
<p>Speaking of.</p>
<p>“Mom. Cas.”</p>
<p>They both look up apprehensively, as if expecting another verbal beatdown from Dean.</p>
<p>“I said yes to Michael to protect Sam from Lucifer,” he reminds them, taking note of how Sam stiffens next to him. Loosening his posture, he unfolds his arms so that his shoulder brushes against Sam’s. The contact works - Sam relaxes a little, letting himself lean into Dean’s side. “Don’t you dare undo all of that by making him face Nick now.”</p>
<p>“We won’t, Dean,” Mary says, looking vaguely pained. “We said we wouldn’t.”</p>
<p>Castiel nods in agreement.</p>
<p>“Good,” says Dean forcefully, and then pushes off against the counter. “All right, we’re done here. Sammy, you still in the mood for the movie?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure,” Sam tells him with a small smile.</p>
<p>“Oh, you’re watching a movie?” Mary pipes up. “Can I join you boys?”</p>
<p>Sam opens his mouth, presumably to say yes, so Dean cuts in before he can. “Sorry, Mom,” he tells her. “It’s just a me'n Sam kinda thing right now. I wanna spend some time alone with him.”</p>
<p>“Sure, yes, of course,” she says after a moment, obviously crestfallen, but Dean can’t bring himself to feel bad just now. It’s been months and months, and all he wants right now is to be next to Sam, and not have to worry about anything. Having Mary in front of him would just remind him of her failing to protect Sam while he was away.</p>
<p>“Could’ve let Mom join,” Sam murmurs to him once they’re back in the hallways.</p>
<p>“Maybe next time,” answers Dean.</p>
<p>“You were kinda hard on her and Cas.”</p>
<p>“Yeah? They had it coming. And you,” he adds, earning a surprised look from Sam. “Three square meals a day, Sam. And get rid of that stupid beard. Did you even eat at all while I was away? You look like you haven’t been sleeping enough. I swear I will knock you out myself if I see you awake past two-”</p>
<p>“Dean!” laughs Sam. “I’m-”</p>
<p>“Don’t say all right,” warns Dean.</p>
<p>“Wasn’t going to,” Sam says with a grin, nudging Dean’s shoulder. “But I will be,” he adds. “Now that you’re here.”</p>
<p>It’s so earnest, so damn <em>honest</em>, the way his eyes shine and that little smile he gives Dean, that Dean has to look away for a second to compose himself. Every time he thinks he has a handle on how much he missed Sam, he finds himself to have misjudged. The truth is, he realizes, that there’s no way to quantify it. There is no single way to measure just how much he needs Sam, just how calm it makes his soul just having his brother nearby.</p>
<p>“Don’t gotta make a chick-flick moment outta everything, you know,” he mutters as he opens the door to the mancave. His eyes feel embarrassingly wet all of a sudden.</p>
<p>“You started it,” Sam tells him, brushing against him as he follows him into the room. He’s still smiling, like he knows everything Dean’s not saying, and Dean finds himself returning the smile without even thinking about it. “I’m glad you’re back, Dean,” Sam tells him as he sits down in his recliner again. “And, uh, thanks. For that.”</p>
<p>“It’s nothing, man,” Dean tells him, sitting down and picking up the TV remote. “Gotta look out for you, right? Doesn’t matter how old you get,” he adds, in case Sam’s taken Mary’s words to heart. “I’m always gonna look out for you.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Sam answers, warm and sure. “I’m always counting on it.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>please let me know what you thought of it! if you have tumblr, you can also find me at @<a href="http://chesterbennington.co.vu">thelegendofwinchester</a> :) i post a lot of things there that don't end up on ao3, so if you're interested in checking that out, just click <a href="http://chesterbennington.co.vu/tagged/my-writing">here</a>!</p>
<p>love,<br/>remy</p></blockquote></div></div>
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